OCD? – Don’t expect a tidy room!

Anyone who has OCD, or knows anyone who has OCD, will know that it isn’t a simple condition that can be explained in a sentence; yet so many TV shows try to do just that. The best known show is probably Channel 4’s ‘Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners’, that sees a couple of people with OCD cleaning the home of someone who hoards items. The property tends to be full to the brim with personal possessions, several years worth of dust, thick cobwebs which are strong enough to be used as nets, rodent droppings, dead rodents, living rodents, critter infestations and unusable bathrooms and kitchens. The people that live in these houses are clearly struggling and need support, but I don’t think humiliating them is the correct way to help them. So, the people with OCD go in and express their disgust, the home owner expresses their ambivalence, they disagree, the people with OCD announce they have to leave, the home owner wants them out, they talk and then get on with cleaning the house – tada, magic!

There are probably 2 different forms of OCD shown in this programme; cleaning and hoarding. However, that has somehow translated to ‘everyone with OCD loves cleaning’, which simply isn’t true. (I’ll just add here that some who do have OCD in a cleaning form, wouldn’t be able to even contemplate stepping inside a property like that, let alone touching anything!)

OCD can be, and often is, a disabling condition and it has many different presentations. Some will require things to be spotlessly clean, some will repeatedly check things, some people will be unable to leave the house, some people will struggle with intrusive thoughts and some people will have a mixture of forms. There are many, many other types and this page explains them well – Types of OCD

At the age of 3 my parents began to notice that I was a little quirky in the way I did things, but as time went on it became apparent that it was more than the ‘normal’ child quirkiness. At the age of 7 we witnessed an accident whilst on holiday, I won’t go into it because it feels wrong to do so, but a man died, a family were left heartbroken and my dad, along with another holiday maker were involved in the events that immediately followed that single moment of error. My brain was already wired slightly differently, which was very apparent at school and when I was around my friends, but this incident caused that to intensify tenfold. The world terrified me and everything became a potential danger; I had to protect the people I love from the horrors that hid around every corner. I didn’t want to spend any time apart from my mum and dad, if I was always with them then nothing bad would happen. If I could make sure my little sister was safe, if I could make sure appliances were off, doors were locked, the heater wasn’t leaking gas, the things in the fridge weren’t over their use by dates and make sure I did everything my OCD told me to do in order to erase the horrible thoughts that attacked my mind then it’d be okay.

Being an anxious child meant that school could be quite tricky at the best of times, I enjoyed learning but the socialising part of it was often quite problematic and I just wanted to be with my family. I would become very upset very quickly and I was very aware that my way of doing things was different to others and whilst I learnt to hide the majority of my OCD behaviours, sometimes it wasn’t possible to hide it. I’m going to write about a few experiences I had in a different blog post as I want to tackle those slightly differently.

My OCD has taken on various forms over my life, but they’ve always been heavily based around responsibility and fear; being responsible for something bad happening, for allowing harm to happen, for allowing unsafe situations, for not realising that I have a responsibility, because it’d be my fault if anything awful happened. OCD forces thoughts and images into your mind, and for a long time I thought that this meant I was an evil person, who else would think such horrible things? People tell you not to think about things that upset you, so I tried not to think about any of it, but the more I tried to push it all away, the more forceful the thoughts became. They terrified me. If I’d thought it then it might happen, so compulsive behaviours would come into play, but they had to be done in a very particular way, without interruption or questioning or else it’d need to begin all over again. When I learnt what the term premonition means, I was so frightened that I might be having them and I was seeing what was to come; I thought that maybe the only way of stopping them from happening was if I was no longer around to think them. As an adult, this is all very scary, but as a child it’s so confusingly frightening; the world is full of monsters but perhaps you are just another kind of monster.

Whilst the thoughts around being evil and needing to disappear to prevent bad things from happening aren’t anywhere near as powerful as they once were, they are still very much there, sometimes more than others. People tell me that I’m intelligent, I know that by touching the edge of a counter isn’t going to be able to stop something awful happening, that checking a switch something to a pattern of 4, or 4 x 4, or 4 x 4 x 4, or 4 x 4 x 4 x 4 isn’t going to make it anymore safer than doing it once, that if a tag is pointing outwards rather than inwards it isn’t going to mean someone is safe, that I don’t have special powers that mean my thoughts or behaviours can make or prevent something from happening… The thing is, most of the time I know that they are right, but all of the time I know that they might not be right. I know that my pillow being faced a particular way isn’t going to ensure safety because it doesn’t make sense that it would, but what if it might? What if?

My therapist once told me that she had been at a training course on OCD and the tutor had given them all a sheet of paper and a pen. He then asked them to write the name of someone they loved onto that sheet of paper, followed by ‘has been in a car accident’. A couple of people did it without a second thought, but the majority of people in that room said that they weren’t going to take part. The tutor pushed them for a bit but they still refused and so he asked them why they weren’t willing to join in, their responses were things like, ‘because it isn’t worth the risk’ or ‘I’m not willing to tempt fate’ etc. He told them that every time they ask people to ignore their OCD, they are asking them to tempt fate, take a risk and feel that anxiety of doing, or not doing, something which they truly believe can prevent something awful occurring.

Knowing something and being able to see the rational angle doesn’t mean you don’t question it or fear the what ifs, buts or maybes. I DO understand why people tell me that what I think is irrational, but I also know that when it comes down to it, the fear of something awful occurring because I haven’t undone or balanced out a thought is overwhelming; I’d be responsible. OCD isn’t about liking things to be neat, it isn’t about liking things to be clean and it isn’t about being a ‘little bit OCD’ because you use hand sanitizer before you eat a sandwich. It isn’t going on an entertainment show to clean someone’s house, it isn’t about enjoyment, it isn’t a little quirk or a desirable personality trait. OCD shuts down your life, closes many doors of opportunities, terrorises your mind, invades your dreams and takes hours of your time. It’s about intense fear, constant doubt, broken and bleeding skin from washing your hands, responsibility and guilt, obsessions and compulsions that rule your day to day life; it’s a hell that no one would desire. You can be obsessive, you can be a neat freak, you can be organised, you can be particular, you can be hygienic and you can be a clean freak without having OCD. I like things that are tidy, but my OCD can often mean things are quite cluttered, clean but cluttered. I like things to be done, but sometimes knowing that something is going to take me several hours longer than the average person to complete means I put it off, it builds up, I feel even more dread and it’s a cycle. OCD isn’t rational and it isn’t ever going to make sense because it is very topsy turvy and what bothers one will not bother another, even with one person things can differ dramatically.

Animals are so important to me, but many people will say ‘but you’ve got OCD?!’ when they find out I have had animals since I was tiny. I have a dog and he enjoys eating things I’d rather he didn’t, rolling in cow pat, sheep poop, fox poop, horse poop, well any kind of poop really, he likes the odd munch on horse poop, he likes to find muddy areas and ensure he brings enough mud and moss back from a walk to keep me busy for several hours. He needs the odd shower, he needs his poop picking up, he needs to be fed, he needs to be loved and he sits with me when I eat, he sleeps with me on or in my bed, he likes to sit on me or lie on me if he’s chilly and he spends a lot of time shoving his beard in my face. Some things I find very hard to deal with and I do sometimes panic and have to call on someone for help. I accept that I probably shower him when other people might have left him, but I also understand that dogs aren’t supposed to be showered too much and I don’t want to cause problems with his skin so I keep it in check. I know that some things people might think are okay, may not be okay with me – but then I also know that many things that don’t bother me, do bother others! I’m not as relaxed with other peoples animals, but I’m still happy to be around them and I’m not bothered about them sitting on me or licking me – as long as I can get clean!! However, touching a door handle can cause major issues and have me freaking out for ages after the event! It isn’t rational. I can eat in some places, I can’t in others. I can be okay with something one day, but I might not be okay with in another, or in a different situation, setting or time of day.

I know my OCD doesn’t make sense, I think most people would say the same, but in the moment it does make sense and the level of danger, risk, fear and threat is always very real. There’s an awful lot that I haven’t included in this because I have learnt that people don’t understand and whilst I know that people speaking up and education are the things that will make a difference; what I have written here is enough. It’s mostly lighter things, the things I’m less embarrassed about, the things I know are quite ‘normal’ and widespread amongst people with OCD.

The media puts out this message that OCD is a quirk, it’s a helpful tool, it’s great to have OCD because you will have a tidy house, that it’s really a blessing and is quite enjoyable – and the media is so wrong. It is none of those things. It is not the same as any of those things. ‘A little bit OCD’ doesn’t exist, OCD is an illness that destroys peoples lives – ‘a little bit OCD’ is having some slight obsessive and/or compulsive traits. OCD is fear, ‘a little bit OCD’ is liking things to be a certain way because they look nice. There is so much stigma surrounding mental health, please don’t contribute to that by minimising a massively complex illness that tortures so many into a slight quirk or desirable personality trait. Maybe with less judgement, brushing things under the carpet, silly comments and more understanding, a willingness to accept that OCD isn’t a funny thing to joke about; more people will feel able to speak their truth, the average and the not so average, rather than feeling the need to tell only part of their truth, the nicer and easier part of their truth, ensuring the rest remains hidden.

www.ocduk.org

(Image author unknown – willing to add credit.)

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OCD? – Don’t expect a tidy room!

A dog is for life; unless it isn’t…

RufusSmile Rufus!Rufus7 Rufus6

This is Rufus and he’s our miniature schnauzer; he has saved my life many times over and I cannot even begin to explain how much I love him. If he is unwell, I will look after him and reassure him and when we had to sleep in the living room as he’d been sick on my bed in the early hours, I slept on the floor and he slept on the sofa. If he needs to go to the toilet, we will go out for a walk, regardless of the time or the weather. If he wants to play, we’ll play and when one of his favourite toys broke, I replaced it several times over. When he wants to snuggle, we snuggle. I want to just add in here that he doesn’t have total control, nor is he spoilt; he knows right from wrong and whilst he can sometimes choose to know right from wrong but ignore right from wrong, his behaviour is corrected! I’m not the worlds best dog owner and Rufus isn’t the worlds best behaved dog; but I do the best I can, as does he and he is loved – he seems pretty happy with that.

On twitter this afternoon I came across a link to a daily fail article, usually I’d have ignored it like a spam email, but it caught my eye as it had been linked to the Dogs Trust and the RSPCA. The article I am referring to can be found here. If you suffer from high blood pressure and are an animal lover, I’d approach with caution!

Shona Sibary, who writes for the daily fail, has spent the last 4 years taking dogs into her home and then getting rid of them. We all know that the Dogs Trust believes that ‘A dog is for life’ and I think the majority of animal lovers would agree with that, or at least I would hope they do! It would seem that Shona sits in the minority, unfortunately.

In February 2011, Shona took in Juno from a dogs home in London but in April 2012 she’d ‘had enough’ and after ‘much soul searching’, she made the ‘heart breaking’ decision to rehome her and placed an advert online for a new owner. When her 3 year old daughter sobbed and clung to her asking, ‘why can’t we keep her mummy? She wants to stay with us, I know she does.’ Shona said that she almost changed her mind, but that when they drove away, Juno looking back at them, she ‘felt nothing but relief’. She picked her ‘hysterical daughter’ off the gravel and told her that they’d look at pictures of puppies, having admitted that she’d already had her ‘eye on another puppy.’

In September 2011, Shona found Albus, an 8 week old pup that was advertised as a pure Rhodesian ridgeback. She states that he was from a council estate and she was slightly suspicious as the ‘tattooed owners’ wanted £350 for him, when the usual cost is £700 – £900. She drove along the M25 with the pup ‘attacking the gear stick’ and wondered if she’d made the right decision. I have to ask why a puppy of that age was loose in the car? A pup that doesn’t know you, with no one else in the car? I’m guessing that no one else was in the car, because surely they’d have stopped him from ‘attacking the gear stick.’ It’s a risk I wouldn’t be willing to take. Shona writes about an experience in which Albus ‘took instant and aggressive action’ towards a neighbours westie. ‘The westie just about survived, after I’d forked out hundreds of pounds to pay his veterinary bill.’

When Juno was rehomed, she said, ‘I knew Albus had to go too – but not until I’d found myself another puppy’, which is when she came across Pippa. Pippa, a little sausage dog, had come from Lithuania and her owner had said that she ‘couldn’t cope with the dog.’ ‘Obviously, once I had Pippa, I had to get rid of Albus as quickly as possible, not least because he might actually eat my adorable new charge.’ I find this woman’s attitude really difficult to comprehend because to me, it is just wrong. However, not only does she seem to be totally irresponsible as an owner, uncaring, immature and keen to cause her animals great distress, it would appear that she is also not concerned about other people either. As she ‘quickly found him a new home’ which included 5 children and 2 cats, they were ‘overjoyed to be getting a free dog’ and ‘didn’t anticipate any problems’ , Shona was ‘so relieved to be rid of him’ that she thought ‘Who am I to disabuse them?’ I wonder if she told that family the reasons why she was getting rid of him, including the incident with the other dog?

Pippa, the sausage dog, then became a problem, so in July 2013 they got an 8 week old Labrador x collie named Cookie. However, Cookie didn’t stop the problems with Pippa, it just made them worse as they ‘would disappear for hours, rampaging across fields and worrying local sheep.’ After killing a breeding ram, a farmer threatened to shoot them and Shona adds, ‘Frankly, I was tempted to hand him the gun.’ A year ago Pippa, who was then 3 years old, was rehomed. She thought that getting a puppy might help Cookie, even though that clearly hadn’t worked out with Juno, Albus, Pippa or Cookie; but hey, why learn a lesson when you can carry on screwing up? So, along came Clover and 3 months ago Cookie went to a different home… How long will it be before Clover is ditched too?

She, somewhat proudly, states that ‘While they’re with me, they have a perfect life. I trawl pet shops choosing comfy baskets and colourful collars. I have debates with my children lasting days over what name we should give the new addition to the family.’ Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the dogs had comfy beds and colourful collars but those things are so far from a ‘perfect life’ for a dog, and I find it very sad that she believes they are. She thinks that she may have a ‘condition’, ‘maybe I’m like this because I was never allowed a puppy as a child’… So, instead, she’s decided that her children will grow up with various puppies, but will then have to go through multiple rounds of processing the grief of losing their dog? What is that teaching them? That you can have something but give it up when you’re bored? Not to stick with things? Not to think about your decisions because you can just change your mind? Not to ever commit to anything and to avoid responsibility? She goes on to say, ‘I admit there must be something mentally wrong with me. Why else would I keep buying dogs only to wave goodbye to them a year or so later?’ Well, because you’re a douche? Behaving in a stupid manner, or doing something idiotic doesn’t equate to having something ‘mentally’ wrong. I am SO fed up with mental ill health being chucked around and tossed into categories that it just does not belong in. This isn’t a mental illness, there isn’t anything mentally wrong, she is just one of those humans who shouldn’t be allowed to own a dog. Unless ‘mentally’ in this context is a synonym for stupid, disrespectful, irresponsible and unthoughtful? She talks about Juno scaling the fence and escaping, Albus showing aggression towards other dogs, Pippa and Cookie disappearing for hours, killing pheasants, ducks, doves, a breeding ram, sheep and a heavily pregnant sheep that was carrying 2 lambs; what measures were put in place to prevent these things? She chicken wired the fence, but what about putting in a taller fence? What about a fence with a top that has a slight tilt or overhang? If Albus was showing aggression towards dogs, was he wearing a lead and harness? Was he muzzled when he was around other dogs? Why did they go near the westie if the risk was there? Pippa and Cookie kept escaping, again, changes to the fencing or garden area? I’d be interested to know what steps, if any, were taken before the decision to get rid came along, maybe it was a case of get rid and not bother to try to change things? I mean, that’s easier, right?

She finishes her piece with, ‘What’s worse is that I dread to think of the kind of message all this has sent out to my long- suffering children. Just the other day, Dolly said to me: ‘If I’m naughty, Mummy, will you re-home me, too?’ This is so, so horrifically sad. If I am lucky enough to be blessed with a child, if I heard those words as a direct result of my attitude and actions, it would break my heart. I am not doubting she loves her children, I don’t know enough about her to make any assumptions, and I wouldn’t anyway, but I really hope that Clover stays with them until she crosses to rainbow bridge. I hope they don’t get another puppy, I hope Clover is loved and wanted, I hope that Shona is able to see that she cannot continue to treat animals like a throw away item that can be upgraded or replaced when it’s going wrong, or it’s gotten boring. When we welcome a dog into our lives, we accept responsibility for that animal; to provide the food, care, love, shelter, security, medical treatment and all the other little things that are needed. If you can’t commit to a dog for life, I’d suggest you get a soft cuddly toy, because it’s unfair to screw a dog over because you’re a selfish human.

 

HOWEVER..!!

I then came across an article written by Shona for the daily fail back in January 2012 which is very different to the article that is written above, but includes some of the same images… Odd, right? This article is about rescue centres and the attitude of the staff.

In this article Shone states that she ‘found a rescue centre in the South of England, advertising 6 Rhodesian ridgeback x boxer puppies’ and ‘they were 12 weeks old – young enough to adapt to our family and still impressionable enough to train and fit into our way of life.’ When she called the rescue she was told that due to there being children under 8 in the household, they wouldn’t rehome a puppy with them as per their policy. ‘I called back the next day pretending to be someone else with 3 children over the age of 8. And no toddler.’ She then goes on to discuss the process that followed, visiting the rescue to build a bond with the dog, whom they named Albus; ‘several expensive train journeys for all of us, and of course, on each occasion, I had to find childcare for the toddler who didn’t exist.’ During a visit to Albus, they ‘fell in love with another stray in the rescue centre’ a husky pointer cross named Juno. ‘At the age of 1, she was still deemed to be a ‘puppy’ and we were still ‘officially not allowed to have her – but having lied once, we were on a roll so we decided to take both dogs.’ She writes about a home visit which she had to remove ‘all evidence of the toddler from the house’ and that during the ‘lengthy process’ the dogs home had requested letters from the landlord and veterinarian and ‘they even insisted that we pay for a whole term of puppy training classes – and show them the receipt – before they would consider releasing Juno and Albus to us.’

A line which struck me as quite funny was, ‘Their stance throughout the entire process was one of distrust.’ Ironic? She writes, ‘In fact, I can’t imagine our lives without them, which is a shame, because they still don’t legally belong to us’ and goes on to say, ‘if the rescue centre finds out we have broken any terms of our contract (ie that we have a two-year-old), they have the right, with police force, to remove Juno and Albus from our care.’ Most rehoming centres will have some form of a contract that is signed when a dog is adopted, the information within that contract will differ between rescues, but those rules are in place for a reason. Shona writes, ‘If for any reason we are unable to continue to look after the dogs, we are not allowed to give them away to family or friends — they have to go back to the rescue centre,’ and ‘Juno and Albus are micro-chipped back to the dogs’ home, so if they do ever find a gap in a fence and decide to run off, the dogs’ home will always know.’ Now, I’m sure there are positive and negative points for both of those rules and I can see both the pros and the cons, but when you’re dealing with such a mixture of people I’m guessing you have to have the basics set as a foundation to build upon. She’s rather indignant at the fact that she was required to go through this process, and then that they ‘still needed to pay £120 per dog for the grilling we’d been subjected to,’ but that ‘Albus and Juno couldn’t be more loved.’

Let’s just compare the stories for a moment…

January 2012 – Juno was one when they adopted her from a dogs home in London – seen whilst visiting Albus at the same place and so decided to adopt both. (June.)

August 2015 – Juno was 12 weeks old and came from a dogs home in London. (Feb 2011.)

January 2012 – Albus was 12 weeks old, a Rhodesian x boxer who they adopted along with Juno from a dogs home in London. They saw Albus first, but the two went home at the same time. (June.)

August 2015 – Albus was 8 weeks old, advertised as a pure Rhodesian ridgeback for £350 from a tattooed couple on a council estate in London.

January 2012 – Every family member had to visit the dogs home and bond with the Juno and Albus. Many different phases and rules that needed to be completed and kept to for them to have the dogs.

August 2015 – Juno was from a dogs home in February 2011 and Albus was from a council estate. She drove to get him, was suspicious, but took him anyway and drove home.

So, we have Juno who was 12 weeks old and a year old. Albus who was 8 weeks old and 12 weeks old. Juno who came along in February 2011 and in June. Albus who came along in September 2011 and June. Juno who came from a dogs home on his own and Juno who was adopted with Albus. Albus who came from a council estate and Albus who came from the same dogs home as Juno at the same time. Not forgetting that Juno came first and 7 months later Albus joined them in the hope that it’d prevent Juno from straying and also the story of adopting Albus and seeing Juno during a visit and adopting both at the same time, from the same dogs home. Albus who is a Rhodesian x boxer but was also advertised as a pure Rhodesian ridgeback and she had doubts about that. She talks of how loved the dogs are and how she can’t imagine life without them in January of 2012 and yet by April 2012 she’d had enough of them. She speaks of paying for their vaccinations and microchips, but if they were rescued isn’t that usually included in the adoption fee? When she wrote her article in January 2012 was everything fine? Did they do that much in 4 months that she got rid of them? If they were homed from a dogs home then she shouldn’t have advertised them online, the article from January 2012 is, in part, about her annoyance over the rules given by the dogs home. Rules that included rehoming..? When asked, in 2015, where her dogs are she states that she is ‘ashamed to say I have no idea.’

She moaned about the way the dogs home conducted themselves, but the reason they have to be rigorous is because of these type of situations. What is real and what is made up? Is Shona a wannabe Katie Hopkins? Is she trying to cause upset and stir up trouble? Will she say anything to get the publicity? If you want an article to be read then you have to be slightly controversial, right? Yes, to some degree, but this isn’t controversial because it’s not true, at least, a lot of it isn’t true! These are two totally contradicting articles, written by the same woman, with inconsistencies that cannot just be explained away with a simple – I forgot about that bit! Either you got both dogs at the same time, or you got them separately. It was either a dogs home or a tattooed couple. It was either £120 per dog, or £350 for Albus. None of it makes sense. Oh, also add in here that the ages she gives for when the dogs were gotten and when they were given away don’t add up either, nor do the periods of time which she states they have been with her and nor do the amounts of money she has given with one article stating it was £120 per dog and another stating that she’d spent over £1000 on the dogs over the last 4 years. (Yes, one may have been more expensive, but it still doesn’t make sense as Albus cost £150 AND £350 in each article.)

If you are someone who has a dog and thinks ‘I’ll probably get rid of her too’ when looking at the future, or planning to rehome your dog whilst planning the new puppy coming home; just don’t. A dog is an animal and whilst many people throw the ‘it’s just an animal’ line out there, they are so much more than ‘just’ an animal. They deserve to be treated with love, care, kindness and loyalty, because that’s what they give us, along with so much more. If you can’t give a dog that, then you don’t deserve to have one as a part of your life, period. Humans seem to think they have the right to do whatever they want and I think that’s one of the main things that the world is in such a state; newsflash, they don’t!

 

10 canine commandments    Dog never

Dogeyes    DogLove

Dogsdospeak    Animals are for

Dogswhole    DogWholelife

 

live like unless

 

A dog is for life; unless it isn’t…

What Helps – Support for Eating Disorders

This is an interesting piece of research that requires lots of people to be involved, so as to ensure the results are relevant to as many people as possible. If you have recovered from an eating disorder, or you currently struggle with an eating disorder then please take a few moments to fill this out. If you know someone with an eating disorder then please pass this on to them so that they can put their thoughts down. It’s all anon and no identifying personal information is required.

What helps - Support for Eating Disorders

What this project aims to do is find out what people living with eating disorders find helpful in terms of treatment and support from health services, therapy, family and friends.

The research on eating disorder support tends to be based on clinical measurements, external, and often visible and easily measurable symptoms, and not on how people themselves feel about the support they have received and the impact it has had on their lives. This project aims to focus exclusively on the experience of those living with, recovering from and recovered from eating disorders, specifically on how they experienced treatment and support and what they found to be most helpful.

To gather these experiences, a survey has been created and can be found here. It is open to anyone who has something to say about the support and treatment they have experienced relating to their eating disorder. Not all questions…

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What Helps – Support for Eating Disorders

(TWsuicide) An unknown to many but a dearly loved one to some…

On Saturday, whilst a very distressed man stood atop a very high building, people below shouted up encouragement. I think it’s safe to say that a lot of us would assume that the shouts of encouragement would be to come down, that it’d be okay, to not do it, that people cared, all of those things that might help because in a desperate situation you try everything in order to save a life. Yeah, no. The encouragement was to jump. The people down below had their phones out filming and taking photos of events as they happened which they then uploaded onto social media sites for the world to see. On top of all of this, many also jeered and shouted encouragement along the lines of, ‘Go on – do it, jump!’ Apparently, as reported by a BBC news article there were youngsters running around trying to get a ‘better view’. It’s thought that this went on for around an hour or so, people continued to behave in this way for an hour. The police arrived and tried to talk to the man and get him to safety but unfortunately the man fell and was pronounced dead at the scene.

There are several parts to this and I think it’s important to recognise them separately, because they are all important.

Firstly, the man who lost his life. Suicide is always horrifically sad. People often say that suicide is a selfish act and it is, but it also couldn’t be further from selfish. If someone were thinking completely rationally, they were able to look at things from every possible angle and their mind was completely free from any illness and they knew that by taking their own life they’d cause unimaginable pain to those around them then that could probably be called selfish. However, when someone is mentally unwell, irrational, frightened, vulnerable, uncertain with a mind that is trying to murder you in a world that doesn’t understand and a belief that everyone would be better off without you..? If someone is in that kind of place, I’d question whether the capacity to be selfish is even possible, because at that point everything is muddled and mixed. Someone can seem completely rational, will be assessed as having awareness, insight and capacity, but what someone may seem isn’t always what someone is. We don’t know anything about his life, his background, his current situation, his family, his medical circumstances or any support he may or may not have been receiving. We know nothing, absolutely nothing, about him as a person, but what we do know, what was undeniably clear, was that this man was in desperate need of support and kindness; humanity failed him big time. In that moment of complete hopelessness and dealing with whatever horror was torturing his mind, he was met with a group of people who stood below telling him he should jump, and those words probably reaffirmed all of the horrible beliefs that had led him to that point. Perhaps a little human decency and kindness could have made a massive difference to how things ended for this gentleman.

Secondly, what? Just, what? I struggle to understand humans at the best of times, but to witness a visibly distressed man stand on the edge of a building and think that the best thing they could do is to pull out their phone and capture the event, whilst shouting ‘Go on – Do it, Jump!’..?! How removed from humanity do you need to be to act like that? How horribly callous, unfeeling, heartless and cruel must someone be to think that that kind of behaviour is acceptable? In the past, people would attend public executions but we’ve moved on since then, times have changed and if someone was being publically executed it was usually due to a crime – or what was deemed to be a crime during that period of time. This wasn’t a public execution, nor do we live in a time when causing harm to others is acceptable. This is 2015, not 1425, we have an awful lot more knowledge than we did then, we have come a long way in terms of mental health awareness and yet this unacceptable and barbaric event took place.

Life isn’t a DVD film or a video game with a rewind button, a restart switch or reset setting; there is no replay, no second chance, no ‘whoops, that was a mistake, better try another way’. Is it that people are disconnected to reality, to humanity, and so these things are seen as a laugh, a bit of fun? That it doesn’t matter? That a life doesn’t matter? If they are an unknown does that mean that empathy and kindness don’t exist? The jeering and goading, the filming of a desperate scene, the anticipation of waiting for someone to fall; what on earth is happening to society?

So many people judge situations that they don’t understand and make the typical ignorant comments of, ‘what have you got to be depressed about?’, ‘she’s proper crazy’, ‘he just needs to sort it out, I’d never end up like that’… Some become irritated by the fact that someone has held up their travel plans or delayed their daily schedule when in reality, instead of annoyance, perhaps gratitude would be a better response. The person causing the delay must be in such a horrific place, be grateful that your mind is not in that place. Of course, for those that rant and rave about how they’d never have a ‘mental problem’ or those that believe that no one in their family would become ‘one of them’, they don’t believe they have anything to be grateful for, because ‘those people’ are different.

The man who fell on Saturday was an important individual and whilst the people on the ground didn’t know him and some of them didn’t give a flying monkeys about his safety, the reality is that he was a part of a family, he was a son and perhaps he was a brother, an uncle, a dad, a grandson, a husband. Perhaps he was a member of a sports team, a social club, a staff team, a member of a voluntary group. He may have had some input from support services, he will have had a GP and perhaps other medical professionals. Friendship groups, those he went to school with, those he went to college or university with, those he bumps in to occasionally around his home town. Those people watching this awful tragedy as if it were part of an entertainment show probably didn’t consider any of those possibilities. Had they of looked up and seen a man and thought, ‘I could know him’, then I think they’d have reacted differently. Even the toughest most idiotic human will have something that would cause them to crumble and watching losing someone they love is usually pretty high up on the list. Had they have thought about the fact that that man could be their brother, their son, their dad, their uncle, their boyfriend or their friend, would they have behaved in the same way? If they were in the man’s position, would they want people to treat them the way that they treated him?

I wouldn’t wish the agonising torture that is mental illness on anyone, but I do wish that some people could live with it for a day, just a single day. Those that proclaim that they’d never have that, they’d never be in that position, that people are weak and over sensitive, that it’s easy to get over and pull yourself together and all of the other ridiculously stupid statements that are made far too regularly. If they could know the pain, if they could feel the confusion, if they had a sense of how overwhelmingly bleak and hopeless things can feel, if they could live for a day with a mind that is not their own and an illness that hell bent on destroying you, maybe they’d understand. Maybe it would mean that they wouldn’t make harsh judgements or be as insensitive towards those that are in desperate need of compassion. When everything terrifies you and you feel that lost that you’ve ended up on top of a building..? This man needed kindness, hope, care, love, support, a safety net, a chance, security and protection. That is what this man should have been given.

To those who chanted for him to jump, to those who thought it was a form of entertainment, to those who ran around to get a better view, to those who gave zero thought to the welfare of this man or his family and to those who shared photos and videos on social media… I really hope you realise that actions have consequences, kindness costs nothing but ignorance costs lives. It is illegal to assist someone in their own suicide, but that is exactly what has been done here. I’m sure some will say that it was his choice to fall, but if he was battling against his own mind, who knows what thoughts were racing around, what beliefs he had or what his take on things was. Those people may as well have been standing on the roof with him because regardless of physical contact, he was pushed, partly by whatever demons he was battling but also partly due to the abhorrence of other people. Maybe they won’t sleep for a while, perhaps they’ll develop PTSD from seeing something so upsetting, perhaps they’ll be charged or perhaps they’ll use this experience to change their life and educate themselves in psychiatry and go on to save others… Perhaps they’ll continue to think their behaviour is perfectly acceptable and they’ve done nothing wrong because ‘whatevs’. The first group of people will have at least looked at themselves, the second group have not only remained ignorant but also ignored the chance to educate themselves which makes them stupidly ignorant. To that second group of people, one day that could be you, or your child, your parent, your best friend, your sibling, your partner… What happens if it is your child? What happens if it is someone close to you? Will you continue to ignore that it’s a genuine issue? Will you stand there, as you were, and cheer, as you did, for them to jump to their death? Or will you be crying out for support for them, begging services to save them, pleading with them not to jump and to come down because you can work things out and you love them..? That is the reality. This is the reality.

I thought the chorus of P!nks song ‘Dear Mr President’ was pretty fitting for those involved;

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye?

And tell me why?

This is a heart-breaking situation and my thoughts go out to his family, friends, police officers and others who tried to help and also the people who happened to be in the area at the time, genuinely unaware of what was happening, and witnessed such a tragic incident. I’ve included the link to a BBC article because I’ve mentioned some of the things mentioned within that article, but I’ve not added any of the images associated with Saturday afternoon because it just doesn’t feel right. Actually, I guess writing this feels wrong in a way, but after reading various things regarding the behaviour of some people on that day, and also having read many similar articles over the years, I felt it needed to be said.

I’ve lost several friends to suicide, I don’t believe they were being selfish but I wish they’d survived. I wish they’d have had support at that exact moment, I wish they’d have felt a smidgeon of hope, I wish they’d not felt so lost and desperate, I wish their life hadn’t been extinguished whilst their light was so bright, even if they couldn’t see their own brightness for themselves. I wish I could have done more, I wish I’d have spoken to them more, replied quicker, not lost battery on my phone… I think that’s why people say that suicide is selfish; the pain for those left behind is painfully crushing, the questions you ask of yourself and others are never ending, the agonisingly excruciating heart-break of wanting them back, because all you want is for them to come back and for it all to be a bad dream, because you miss them and you never stop missing them because they’ve left a hole in your irreparable hole in your heart. I remember feeling angry because they knew they were loved, they knew they were wanted, why had they left when they knew all of this?! I then felt guilty for feeling angry because I understand it from the other side too and because I know that in that moment what you know and what you feel aren’t the same thing, feelings are more powerful than what you know sometimes…

To anyone that is struggling, feeling suicidal or thinking that the world would be better off without you; stop, breathe and seek support. Your mind may be telling you all manner of horrible things, it might feel hopelessly impossible to imagine anything other than where you are right now, there may have been upset with family, an unsettling life event or an overwhelming feeling of desperation… Those feelings are real, they are painful and they are your reality right now; but they won’t always be and I know you will probably just roll your eyes at that statement, but things can change. Please reach out to someone, please speak to someone, please find somewhere safe and please try to ignore the voice of the illness and seek out those little pieces of true reality that isn’t clouded by depression. Speak to a parent, speak to a teacher, speak to a work colleague or contact the Samaritans. Cuddle up with a pet, watch a comforting DVD, do some colouring in or reading. Take one day at a time and if you can’t think as far ahead as a day, take an hour, take a minute, but hold on. Seek support from professionals, speak to your GP, go to your nearest A&E department – do anything that gives you the safety you need at that time. No matter how bleak things seem or how impossible everything feels, please know that you are important, you are valuable, you are wanted and there are people who love you. (Sometimes those that love us might not understand which can make things feel cold, but that doesn’t mean they do not love us or care about us. It just means they need a little help so that they can understand.) I’ve known people who have felt so full of bleakness that they felt their only option was to eradicate themselves, they reached out, got the support they needed and they are now healthy, happy adults that enjoy life and are truly grateful that they held on. It’s impossible to believe that’s possible when you’re so far down that deep hole, but you can climb out, with support and patience, people can climb out.

I suppose for those in the hole it’s a case of holding on to that teeny tiny piece of possible hope that maybe we can be one of those who make that climb and emerge from the hole, grateful for every beat our heart takes because it means we are alive; despite everything, we survived.

Samaritans (UK) – 08457 90 90 90

Samaritans – http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

NHS page & other links – http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx

Support Line info – http://supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide.php

PAPYRUS (Young people) – https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

Mind & other links – http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/useful-contacts/#.VQjAhemzVMs

Suicide Prevention Life Line (49 states) – http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

(TWsuicide) An unknown to many but a dearly loved one to some…

‘They have to be ready to change..’

‘They have to want to change, they have to be ready to change, no one can make someone recover, we can’t save everyone, it has to come from them and if they aren’t willing to cooperate then we cannot help them.’

Noncompliant. Difficult. Chronic. Treatment resistant. Non cooperative. Unwilling.

If someone wants something then they reach for it don’t they? If someone wants something then they make decisions which are reflected in their choices, right? Well, yes. Yes, in many different areas of life that is what happens but with anorexia that isn’t how it works; I wish it were!!

Whilst treatment providers wait for people to ‘choose’ recovery, be ‘motivated’ to make changes, ‘comply’ with treatment and ‘cooperate’ with a programme, those people become more and more unwell. Of course this means that the illness has more time to infiltrate a mind, destroy a body and suck all hope from a soul. It also, of course, means that people need a much higher and more intensive level of care and support. This in turn not only causes a greater deal of pain and torment for all involved, but it also costs a whole lot more money. It’s been widely reported that the NHS doesn’t have the money it needs to provide what it needs to provide and yet, really, money is being wasted by losing the opportunity for early intervention. Early intervention can make the difference between someone recovering with a low risk of relapse or spending years being treated with a very bleak outlook as a ‘chronic’ sufferer.

Anorexia isn’t a choice and whilst many people believe that not eating is a decision that is made by the person, it really doesn’t work like that. It isn’t that I decide not to eat, it isn’t that I’m not hungry, it isn’t that I don’t need food or want it; it’s that I can’t. Imagine being locked inside of your body, the things you think are muddled beyond any kind of possible comprehension. When the things you feel and the stuff you want to say is blocked up and stuck, you open your mouth to say something but the words spoken aren’t the words you’d needed to speak.

‘Would you like some dinner, pasta or rice..?’ Such a simple question and yet the thought process that follows that question is like some impossible math equation that involves brackets, letters and weird shapes that you’ve never seen before and have absolutely no idea what they mean!! When anorexia is loud and I cannot make sense of things that question may as well be ‘Would you like x4+bx3+cx2+dx+e and (x-a)(x-b)(x-g)(x-d) or {-D±Ö(D2+4C3/27)}/2 perhaps 8pqr x+(p2+q2+r2)2..?’ Add in the deafening noise from your own thoughts rushing around your mind, bumping into one another causing more thoughts to form, causing more rushing, causing more confusion, causing more equations usually ending in one of the following;

A) This shall all be happening internally and because I won’t feel comfortable enough to ask for help, I won’t feel I deserve to ask for help, I will feel I am a burden, I feel I could be judged or trying to explain is likely to cause more anxiety; I shall politely decline and add that I am not hungry at the moment.

B) This shall all be happening internally but it will show outwardly in the form of anxiety, such as shaking, jiggling, pacing or increased respiratory rate. I won’t want to be a burden, let anyone down, cause disappointment or questions, so I’ll try to join in a little, try to blend in, try to appear ‘normal’ but the internal torture will be continuing, growing and expanding, louder and louder until I can no longer hear you talking to me. I see your mouth moving and I try to keep up but I hear nothing over the sound of my own thoughts…

C) This shall all be happening internally and I’ll have lost all hope of keeping thing under wraps because due to the fact that I’m screaming, crying hysterically, hurling nasty comments at anyone that comes near and ready to pull my own skin off; it’s pretty external too! This, of course is embarrassing to say the least and it doesn’t encourage you to be in a situation that could involve food, or fluid, or snacks, or humans, or…

I am going to separate ‘Becky’ and ‘Anorexia’ for a moment, I’m sure it’ll sound a little weird, but it’s the only way that I can explain it. Becky would love to be recovered, obviously anorexia is against that. Becky would like to eat that dinner, anorexia doesn’t agree. Becky would like to be physically healthy, anorexia would prefer illness and incapacity. Becky would like to do awesome things with her sister, anorexia wants to isolate. Becky would like to break free from anorexia and so anorexia does all it can to keep a tight grip; a large part of that is portraying the person as something different to what they really are, who they really are. So you see, the words I speak are not always the words that I wish I could speak, the way I am is not always the way I truly feel, if I seem distant or aloof it is, more often than not, that the noise in my head is so painfully loud and disorientating that I cannot follow a conversation. Do I choose any of these? No. Can I snap my fingers and eradicate these? No. Do I wish I could? Yes!

Recovery does include choice, decisions and taking responsibility for your wellbeing, but that has to come with time; by setting someone up with all the responsibility of making ‘good’ choices, doing food prep, refeeding themselves, distractions from scary thoughts and self-managing other behaviours, the likelihood of a positive outcome isn’t great. The possibility of relapse, entrenchment, chronicity, physical damage, psychological risks and death are scarily much more likely. Treatment has changed over the years and there are some amazing research studies out there that have completely altered the way that the world views eating disorders and the treatment that gives the best outcome; unfortunately that up to date information and treatment has yet to become the ‘normal’ practice. Those that manage to get early intervention, those that are treated intensively from the word go, those whose parents are included in treatment and empowered all have much more favourable outcomes, over those that are treated by out dated, non-evidence based treatment. Some parents have taken to using a ‘Life Stops Until You Eat’ approach; I think some people would probably deem this to be over controlling and impractical… I’d say they are amazing people that have found up to date information and regardless of whether the services in their area are up to date or out of date, they are doing what they need to do in order to save their child. My parents were told by the Doctor that they were worrying, that I was fine, that it’s just a phase that most girls go through, not to make a big deal out of it as it’d pass and if they did involve themselves they’d make things worse. That Doctor was wrong, that Doctor failed my parents massively because he made them feel stuck; what they knew was right for their daughter wasn’t the same as what the Dr had said and I really hate the fact that he added in that little bit suggesting that the blame would be on them. WRONG. Everything that he said was wrong. I wish the information available now had been available then because possibly, really possibly, life could have been very different for all of us and anorexia wouldn’t have taken as much as it has.

So, you see, leaving someone alone until they are ‘ready’ is only ever going to cause harm because the more unwell someone becomes, the less likely they are to have the cognitive function needed to make those decisions. If it were as simple as being ready to make changes and deciding to do things differently then we wouldn’t see so many losing their lives, we wouldn’t see the level of chronicity, we wouldn’t have eating disorder units or people being tubed on medical wards; there’s no fun in any of this. If it were as simple as a choice I’d have made that choice a long, long time ago. Always remember; separate the eating disorder from the person, they are not the same and not everything is as it seems when it comes to what is said and what is meant… Locked inside a cage, screaming but screaming silently, I’d yell all sorts but really I was begging, begging for someone to step in and take over the fight, argue with anorexia and provide a wall that meant I had no option; if I had no option anorexia was still loud, but the thoughts aren’t the same because there are no loop holes, no escapes, no ways around it… Sometimes that’s what it takes, sometimes that’s what is needed… Sometimes that’s what I need.

‘They have to be ready to change..’  – No, no they really don’t but they do need someone, be that family, friends, a treatment team etc. who are willing to safely and consistently enforce the steps that need to be taken are taken, until the person is ABLE to make changes. Whilst the brain is malnourished cognitive function is massively impaired, the brain is poorly and that person may desperately want to make the changes, it is the illness that can make that impossible. They aren’t being awkward or difficult, it’s not a case of choosing to disengage or ignore advice; things can take time, recovery isn’t easy and sometimes we need someone to step in and take the reins for a bit.

Above all else, if we’ve been labelled as chronic, treatment resistant or noncompliant… Please don’t write us off as ‘never going to recover’, please don’t give up hope that we can get better because when we have no hope we so desperately need others to hold hope for us… Please don’t give up on us; I know it’s frustrating, I know it can be like groundhog day but please, please don’t ever give up on us because we are still in there somewhere locked inside, blocked and silenced by anorexia

‘They have to be ready to change..’